Most Say Gay Marriage a Private Choice

Results from a USA Today/Gallup Poll:  Most say gay marriage private choice.

Should S&M be in the DSM?

In connection with this article about revising the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders – What’s ‘normal’ sex? Shrinks seek definition – MSNBC is conducting this poll: Should S&M be in the DSM?

I thought both the article and the poll might be of interest to some.

The Editor’s Letter

Note: This letter was originally sent to five college friends December 6, 2005. We remain friends.

*The name of my ex has been changed for confidentiality reasons.

Hello again,

Different sort of news: Kate* and I are splitting up – verrrrry amicably – this Spring or Summer depending upon how quickly we get the house together. I thought about telling you when I was up last weekend, but I wasn’t completely certain she was comfortable with that yet. I am now.

This next part definitely qualifies as TMI but neither Kate nor I are interested in pretending anymore and I figure if I can’t tell my closest college friends who’ve known and loved me for almost 25 years then the friendship was something other than what I thought it was. I decided a long time ago that we’re all wired very differently. From a remarkably young age (pre-teen memories and teen recognition) I realized that my sexual orientation was…alternative. I’m a straight bondage switch (an equal opportunity type who likes to tie and be tied). This is simply my orientation – expanding the definition of orientation beyond the “who” (lesbian/gay/bisexual/transgender/straight) to include the “what.” I believe we’re born this way and either know it from the start (me) or uncover it along the way. Unfortunately, Kate was a dabbler who decided it wasn’t for her. We played quite a bit when we were sparkin’ but I don’t think she ever really knew how ingrained it was in me and I never realized it wouldn’t grow into something more for her. So, I’ve suppressed my sexuality for the last 12 or 13 years and tried to concentrate on raising two beautiful boys. Wanna know something funny? It turns out that Kate has also been suppressing her sexuality, as well – until this year. She has finally acknowledged to herself (and to me) that she is at least bisexual and possibly (probably?) a lesbian. Come see the madcap adventures of that incompatible duo – Heteroperv and Lesbonilla!!! {Editor’s note: “perv” is a term the kink community has adopted for itself much the same way the gay community uses the term “queer” and “vanilla” is a term the kink community uses to refer to non-kink persons] Actually, you’ve missed the last act because that show is closing…

So, if the term “irreconciliable differences” ever applied to anyone it applies to us. We’re at cross purposes on both the “who” and the “what.” That left us three options:

1. Continue to suppress our respective sexualities and take a vow of abstinence
2. Have extramarital affairs (with spousal knowledge)
3. Split up

As ugly as it sounds, splitting up seemed to be the healthiest option. In some ways, having such an incompatibility makes it easier because there’s not much either of us could have done differently (other than to have been clearer from the outset). On the other hand, I fear it may be incomprehensible to the boys because they see their parents splitting up for no apparent reason and we can’t really explain it to them until they’re older. You may have wished I hadn’t explained it to you either, but…you’re old enough, I knew you’d want to know the reason, and I didn’t want to lie to you. It would have been easier to explain it all away by telling folks that Kate’s a lesbian (since that’s more generally accepted in polite society than people like me are), but that would have scape-goated her as the reason for the demise of our marriage and absolved me and that’s not right. It was a two-way street – or perhaps a four-way intersection. Y’all withstood the tremors of two of our friends coming out as gay. Is this a 7.5 or what? I’m happy to talk further, if you’d like. (Still long for really in-depth, meaningul conversations? – lol)

Anyhow, that’s the news from Lake Woebegone! Consider this your holiday newsletter.

Merry Christmas! 🙂

Jim